Friday, May 8, 2009

18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have.

According the Men's Health Magazine (and this is written by men, right?) these are 18 things a grown man should never have:

1. A black eye. Unless the rim hits your face mid-dunk, your peepers should remain unblemished. You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

2. A witty e-mail signature. Quotes and song lyrics should be heard during toasts and karaoke performances, respectively. Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivational poster.

3. An empty refrigerator. Your larder should be amply stocked, your pantry provisioned. Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three-course dinner for her...along with breakfast in bed.

4. PlayStation thumb. When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.

5. A key chain with a bottle opener. This bauble is both a gauche reminder of your college days and proof that you don't know how to apply leverage using available, impromptu bottle openers: a lighter, the back end of a fork.

6. A lucky shirt. Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be.

7. An unstamped passport.

8. Olympic dreams. Exceptions: curling and archery.

9. Less than $20 in his wallet. Fiduciary nudity is negligence. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

10. A name for his penis. Even if it's a really clever name.

11. Any beer that costs less than $20 a case. And no exception for the grand-slam 30-pack that crosses that price threshold.

12. The need to quote The Big Lebowski/ Caddyshack/Superbad. Reciting someone else's lines reminds people that you haven't the wit to write your own.

13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."

14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.

15. A Nerf hoop in his living room. Keep the adolescent accoutrements where they belong: in the rec room or above the wastebasket in someone else's office.

16. A secret handshake.

17. Drinking glasses with logos. Especially those kitschy McDonald's Hamburglar ones.

18. A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop…"

I would also like to add to the list:

19) Children's lunch box.

20) Mother who packs that lunch/mother who does any of your chores, for that matter.

Ladies, what do we think? I have agree with most of this list, although I think buying a case of Miller or Bud is perfectly acceptable (but that's just me). Thoughts?

3 comments:

grrrr said...

Awww. Well, my response would definitely depend on a few things. What is the definition of a "grown man"? Because frankly, I don't think anyone around the age of 25 is truly "grown" and they are still probably riding out the end of their college glory days and also maybe not making enough to fund things like the unstamped passport, a light wallet, futon, etc. Both of which I will say are understandable/forgivable to a point. But this may be bc I'm guilty of some of these also, haha!

But once you hit the latter part of the twentyfuns, I agree, it is not a good look.

Veronica Hohenstein said...

Yea, I agree that some of the items are debatable. I thought it was interesting that it was written by men!

Kelly Anne said...

I agree with #2, #7, #10, #12, 13, and #14. To the rest I say I offer this anecdote: my uncle, my mother's only brother, was a hellion as a kid. A clever, funny, rebellious dude. Then he grew up, and at some point he decided that being "grown up" meant being serious and hating fun. I have only ever known him as that guy, and have always, ALWAYS disliked him.

So if being "grown" means abandoning nerf basketball hoops (okay, so maybe not in the living room, but still) and fun kitschy water glasses, then that's not someone I'd particularly want to be with. Plus, hey, I play video games, and while I don't spend days on end doing so, I can appreciate a man who adeptly pulls off a Mortal Kombat fatality--I sure as hell can't.